Working with challenging children

Sometimes the children who are the most concerning are not the outwardly disruptive ones . . .

The students were seated quietly on the carpet, eagerly waiting for me to read them a story. I began to read, and then the humming started. As it got louder, all eyes turned toward Shawn, who then started to crawl from the carpet, across the floor, to the classroom door where he stopped. Shawn stood by the door and proceeded to kick it over and over again.

At the end of the day I sat with my head in my hands thinking, This is too much! I can’t do this!

Can you relate to these feelings? Whether you are a teacher dealing with challenging students, or an adoptive parent struggling to understand your child’s emotions and unhealthy behaviours, you may have found yourself in a similar place. Through my years as a special education educator and classroom teacher there have been times I felt overwhelmed by the intense challenges of children in my care.

Sometimes the children who are the most concerning are not the outwardly disruptive ones, but those who turn inward and detach emotionally from those around them. This became my personal experience when my husband and I adopted an adorable four-year-old boy with big, sad brown eyes. Our son, Anthony, came from a very painful past and though his foster parents were caring, Anthony often retreated to his room to spend time alone. He ate very little and was often silent, refusing to talk to anyone but his foster family; in fact, at his preschool Anthony was known as “the boy who doesn’t talk.”

Based on my experiences as a teacher and an adoptive parent, I want you to know there is hope! I have seen many children, against all odds, thrive and blossom in amazing ways. In this article, I want to share my approach and a few strategies that, like good soil and water for a plant, can work together to give wounded children the nourishment they need to move toward wholeness.

The central focus is to build relationship and close connection with your child. Developing attachment is always the priority. Adopted children, especially those who have been adopted at an older age, often come with emotional wounds from early experiences where their needs were not met as they should have been. Past experience has taught them that adults are not safe, reliable or trustworthy, so attachment often does not develop naturally. For such a child, a punitive approach to discipline reinforces their unhealthy perspective, builds resentment and can cause them to withdraw from relationship. This is counterproductive to building attachment. It is important to approach challenging behaviour in a way that draws the child closer and moves toward replacing unhealthy behaviours with healthy ones.

Separate the behaviour from the child. Always make it clear that you accept the child, but not the unhealthy behaviour. A child who has been adopted, especially at an older age, may have never experienced unconditional acceptance and love before joining your family. A child who has experienced rejection through the loss of their biological parents, and may have also experienced neglect or abuse, will likely receive a very different message from a punishment than you intend. They may feel they are not worthy of your love or that they have lost your love. Every time you deal with a challenging behaviour, view it as an opportunity to draw your child closer and increase attachment by reinforcing that your love is not conditional, but is forever.

Laugh and be silly together. This communicates to the child that it is okay to be vulnerable and helps to develop an emotional connection. Sharing fun times builds good memories and is also a great way to release emotional tension.

Develop clear expectations and routines. There is a sense of security and safety for children when they know what is expected. Make sure your expectations are reasonable for the individual. A child may be eight years old chronologically but closer to four or five years old socially and emotionally. It didn’t take very long for the children in my classroom to accept that my behavioural expectations for Shawn were different than for them.

Be real, admit your mistakes and ask forgiveness. For example, when you have been impatient (maybe with good reason) and you know your reaction was too harsh, admit it to your child and ask them to forgive you. You will turn something negative into a positive teaching opportunity and create a deeper connection.

Look for the trigger behind the behaviour. Have you ever tried every kind of discipline and punishment you can think of, but nothing works? Remember Shawn – every teacher’s worst nightmare? The more I tried to deal with the surface behaviour, the more disruptive he became. I discovered that he had an anxiety disorder. Talking to him and his mother confirmed that he didn’t want to misbehave, but when his anxiety level escalated it triggered disruptive behaviour. He hovered at the door rather than leave the classroom because he did really want to be there.

Together we developed a plan to reduce his anxiety in the classroom, and gradually he was able to participate more actively without disruptive outbursts. Progress was slow but steady. One strategy that helped Shawn was that he could signal me when he needed a break and then choose a calming activity such as kicking a soccer ball outside.

Transitions from one activity to another can be difficult for any child, but especially for those who may be anxious because of past negative experiences, or lack of structure and routine. Giving a 10-minute warning for bedtime or setting a timer for the time allowed to play a computer game are examples of ways to help make transitions easier. When my son was young I always prepared him for what was coming next. When we went shopping I would tell him what store we were going to or what we were going to buy. There was always something to look forward to when we returned home, such as reading a favourite picture book together. These seem like small things, but they were intentional and brought comfort to a little boy who was fearful of new experiences.

Our son has come a long way. Today he is an independent young man who faces many life experiences with resiliency and self-confidence. Keep in mind that the journey toward wholeness is a process that involves taking small steps in the right direction and celebrating the little victories along the way. Always keep the end goal in view, but regularly stop to look back at how far your child and you have come together.

Beverly Moffat is a recently retired special education teacher and adoptive mom. She and her family attend Gracepoint Community Church in Surrey, BC.