Questions adopted teens struggle to answer

In my experience, kids take 10 to 15 years to process what this adoption thing is all about . . . most don’t resolve the issue for themselves until they get into their mid-twenties.

While some parents suffer through hours of physical labour, other moms and dads agonize through months of legal labour to receive a child. After a long period of signing papers, worrying through interviews, and trying to wait patiently, the day finally arrives, and they welcome their adopted child with open arms and the promise to love and care for him or her as best they can.

Adoption is riddled with acts of love from everyone involved. Scripture even uses the word “adoption” to describe the manner in which God accepts each of us into His family. But even though adoption is a beautiful thing, bringing a new person into your family is difficult and will require lots of hard work. Most adopted kids struggle with their identity at some point in their lives. These battles can be internal and barely break through to the surface, or they can burst into a raging fire that’s liable to burn anyone standing nearby. I know, because I work with these kids every day. We’ve had over 750 adopted kids live with us at Heartlight (our residential counselling program) through the years.

But I believe God is firmly in control and maneuvers children into families. I also believe that God is prepared to teach parents what to do should their adopted child react against them during the teen years. With God’s help and guidance, we can assist our kids as they deal with the difficult questions surrounding their adoption.

Answering the question “Who am I?”

When children enter the adolescent years, their thinking transfers from concrete to abstract, and they begin asking that difficult question, “Who am I?”  At a time when most kids are trying to “find themselves” and understand who they are and where they fit in, discovering the adoption card in their deck creates a great deal of confusion. Questions are swirling in their minds, like: “What was my name supposed to be? What genes will I pass along to my own children that I don’t know about? Where are my parents today? How would my life have been different if they had kept me? How does my coming into my adoptive family affect their biological children — do I disrupt the family just by being here?”

My good friend (and the host of the Parenting Today’s Teens radio program), Wayne, told me how a revelation about his own biological history floored him. He was already in his twenties, married and applying for a passport for a trip outside the country. On the passport paperwork, Wayne saw his biological parents’ last name for the very first time. Just seeing that strange name and contemplating who he could have been affected Wayne deeply.

Adopted teens bent on knowing the truth of their past will do almost anything to answer the question, “Who am I?” I’ve seen kids pull all kinds of stunts, including tracking down their birth parents through the Internet, contacting them unexpectedly, and even setting up a time to meet without ever telling their adoptive parents about it. I’ve witnessed them pay for secret cell phones, contact attorneys to get help, and send photos to their birth parents — uninvited. The most difficult part for parents is to not take it personally when it appears that their adopted teen is rejecting them.  It isn’t that your child no longer loves or appreciates you as a parent. The fact remains that they do love you. But what your teen doesn’t quite know is where they fit in or where they belong at this point. They’re trying as best they can to answer a very emotional question.

These kids need both time and stability to sort out their issues. Often they work through this stage and come out the other side with a greater appreciation for their adoptive parents. In the meantime, they need Mom and Dad to remain steady and calm while they turn the world upside down in a quest to understand their identity. Be as open and honest about your child’s history as you can. Let them ask questions about where they come from, but also remind them who they are now. Affirm your teen’s place in your family. Describe to your child the way you see them, and affirm their unique strengths as individuals.

Answering the question “Why would they give me up?”

Adopted children also struggle with an extremely painful question: “Why did my biological parents abandon me?”  Left hanging, this question can reinforce your child’s fear that they are unworthy of love. Your teen may even act out to prove, “See! I am a mess up! That’s why my parents didn’t want me!” What I have found through the years is that it’s very easy to try explaining away the “Why?” question with comments like, “Your mother did what was right,” or, “She loved you enough to give you up,” or “Your parents weren’t in a good place, and felt like you should be,” or, “Your parents weren’t able to provide what they wanted you to have,” or, “Your mother was a mess, and didn’t want you to be.”

Now, I don’t think any of the above explanations are wrong. However, I have heard many kids say to any or all of those responses, “Yeah I know and understand. But she still gave me away.”  In truth, the statement “Why?” is a lingering question of loss that will take time to process. Grief has stages, like anger, sorrow, and finally, acceptance that your child has to work through. In my experience, kids take 10 to 15 years to process what this adoption thing is all about, and they usually don’t even start until they reach adolescence. This means that most don’t resolve the issue for themselves until they get into their mid-twenties.

This means that parents, during those teen years, must be content to allow loss to be a part of their adopted child’s life. In God’s timing, issues will be dealt with. Not all of them have to be resolved as a teenager, no matter how much we want them to have all the answers they are searching for. Additionally, at times, more trouble can be caused when you try to answer every question a child poses. Instead, simply say, “You know, I don’t know.”  Oddly, showing your child that you don’t know all the answers in your life will give them licence to live with some unknowns in theirs.

Kids live in a disconnected world, right? They aren’t as relational as they used to be, right? And the sense of “belonging” has become a larger issue in early adolescence than it was just 20 years ago. So, at a time that kids feel disconnected, want to “belong”, and can’t find “connections” with their peers, the adoptive has one more “element” to add to their confusion. And for many, this extra element many times pushes a child to do things they wouldn’t normally do to find relationship with others.

Answering the question, “Is there hope here?”

Adoptive parents may wonder whether there’s any hope for their teens more often than teens wonder about it themselves! Because the child they have committed to love and protect struggles to process the issues of adoption, mom and dad can feel helpless. So let me give you some encouragement. It’s not wrong for an adopted teen to struggle through these issues, nor have parents necessarily done anything wrong to cause their teen’s behavioral issues. Sometimes teenagers struggle, and that’s just the way it is. Parents, use these opportunities to respond in a Christ-like, selfless manner, just as you did the day you signed the paperwork at the adoption agency and took your adopted child home. It might be hard to believe, but God may have given you a child knowing that he or she would struggle as a teen, and He put you in that kid’s life for such a time as this. Just as our Heavenly Father loves, nurtures and understands us, so we are to care for our children. If God brought you a child, be assured that He’s prepared to help you handle that kid.

So be a model for your son or daughter. Show them that even though we struggle, we can still laugh. We can still have joy. We can still have purpose. Just because we experience tough times and difficult questions doesn’t mean we have to stop enjoying life or loving each other. Show you teen what it means to struggle well. When you do, you’ll find the hope that will carry both of you through.

Mark Gregston is founder of Heartlight residential counselling centre for teens in East Texas and the radio broadcast Parenting Today’s Teens. To learn more about his ministry, visit Parentingtodaysteens.org.