Adoption-related grief and loss

Children have implicit memories of things that happened in their early years, even incidents that occurred while they were in utero.

Each year around her birthday, my daughter struggles with regulating her emotions, becoming easily agitated and more rigid in her thinking. Her emotional outbursts happen more frequently and she requires more co-regulating experiences than she typically would. She is grieving. My daughter was born on November 15 and by January 6 she was relinquished to the care of an orphanage. During this time each year, I can anticipate a temporary decline in some areas of functioning, an increased need for attention and more intense emotional experiences. When she is grieving she needs her mama more frequently and more intensely.

Children have implicit memories of things that happened in their early years, even incidents that occurred while they were in utero. Since these implicit memories are of events that took place before a child was verbal, the child is not able to communicate such memories verbally. The impact of early trauma on children can be long-lasting and confusing, particularly for adoptive parents. If you are missing some or most of the details of your child’s early years, you may be left trying to put the pieces together yourself, based on how your child behaves. This can often result in disappointments around special occasions or frustration about difficult and unreasonable behaviours that persist long after the child is in a safe and loving home.

You might want to make notes on your calendar about your child’s overall functioning from week to week and month to month to help highlight patterns. When you are able to see patterns in behaviour and functioning, it is easier to draw conclusions about the times of year or events that are most triggering for your child. For my daughter, it is the period of time between her birth and relinquishment. For other children, it may be the occurrence of another traumatic event, the loss of a significant caregiver or a major change in environment that they are reminded of each year.

Once you have identified the times of year or events your child will struggle with most, it is easier to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for a shift in their needs and abilities. Rather than worrying about the changes or pushing your child to their original level of development, you can simply meet your child’s emotional needs in the moment. You can also rest assured that your increased level of support and understanding will not be required forever, but only until the distress subsides.

As you may have noticed, children tend to grieve in the most inconvenient ways for parents. My daughter chooses morning times to communicate her need for increased support and understanding. For several weeks during her critical time, our mornings will involve a great deal of emotional distress. She will require more help getting through her usual routines. She seems much younger and will become easily upset over little things that typically wouldn’t bother her. Sometimes we are late getting to school which means I’m late getting to work. I’ve had to speak with her teacher and assure her that, by being late and having had her emotional needs met by her mom, my daughter is in a much better position to learn than if she arrived on time but dysregulated. Preparing for these disruptions of routine and understanding their significance can help parents better meet their child’s needs in the moment.

There are many ways in which your child’s persistent grief can impact their functioning and also affect other family members. With better understanding by parents, siblings and the adoptee of how grief works, children are better able to accept themselves, receive the support of those who love them and release some of the intensity that comes with grief. Sometimes parents are able to work through this process on their own with a little extra patience and understanding that allows them to build a solid relational foundation. Other times the grief is so intense and so profound that it makes day-to-day living difficult, and support from a professional counsellor would be of great benefit. If your child is able to experience their grief, come to understand it and accept its place in their story, it will have less and less impact on them as time goes by.

Andrea Chatwin, MA, CCC, is the founder of A Child’s Song. She offers counselling services, parent consultation and educational workshops to families that are joined together through adoption. You can also visit A Child’s Song on Facebook.